Still Struggling

Well, the purge has begun in the house, but I'm still eating like shit.  So guess what? I feel like utter shit.  I can't even wipe my ass or shave my legs and yet I will eat a half of container of ice cream tonight after I consume 2 full dishes of pasta with sauce and meatballs and cheese. YUP! IDIOT!! What is it going to take to get me to wake up?

I ordered Shakeology and Beach Body on Demand. I opened the box but haven't had a shake yet.  I have watched Beach Body Videos 2x and it wasn't terrible.  Problem is after work I am exhausted and my legs are so swollen I can't move.

I am one big excuse, I am one big contradiction. My anxiety is through the roof. I keep waiting to get in trouble.  I feel guilty for everything. I'm tired. I need to focus. I am a strong determined capable person. Food is my kryptonite.

How do you defeat your kryptonite?  Where is the fire? Where is the determination? Where is my will power? The changes I need to make are microscopic! The changes are so microscopic yet the results will be so tremendous. Why can't I do it? What is wrong with me? Why is food so enticing and why does it have such control over me? I am obsessed.

HELP!

Assessing faults.

One week has passed and I haven't stepped foot on the scale, yet.  Last week I went to a nutritionist and we set small realistic goals.  Portion control, and less garbage foods. 

I had a couple of I don't care days and I paid the price. Massive leg swelling Andi heard myself saying multiple times I can't go in the pool because I can't get up the ladder.  That is not acceptable.   I also can't breathe when I bend over to put sunscreen on my legs, and I can barely reach.

I feel like shit and I look like shit and there is so much junk food and materialistic garbage around me that something needs to change.   With 4.5 days off I had hoped to accomplish more but so far we have 5 boxes for donations and sold one item on Facebook, and there is a bin half filled for the local consignment shop.   The house looks like hell. 

I am a multi-tasker.  I do not know how to do one thing at a time and I'm noticing that it is an epic problem with food, work and home.   I start multiple projects at once and do not have the clarity to finish.   Just another work in progress.

I'm getting ready to face an insane day at work where I will be so busy I will have to schedule bathroom and snack breaks.  I am going to concentrate on multi tasking.   I'm going to get in early and make my work related to do list and put it where I can see it.  I am going to talk to my co workers about revamping this project to highlight my strengths as opposed to my weaknesses.  

All of these areas are tied so tightly for me.   I need to do what is the best for me.  And before I get dressed, the scale will be the first stop.

Here's to a productive, one task at a time healthy eating day.

Learning to Live Life With Less

I am obese.  OBESE. Disgustingly obese.  I need to loose 100 pounds.  I am suffering on a daily basis, I can’t walk, I hate getting dressed, my legs are fat and swollen, I can’t take a deep breath, and I can’t stop eating.  Oh I have some self control but then an excuse pops up or I’m exhausted and had a bad day at work. The kids are driving me insane, eating is the only thing my husband and I agree on.  Eating crappy food killed my father in law in February.   I have this overwhelming need to get rid of everything. The weight, the clutter, the overwhelming sense of responsibility by having and being too much.

I have to start working on me for all the rest to fall into place. I need to purge my belongings as I prepare to purge the weight.  It is all tied together. I have no worth as an obsese person.  I am repulsive.  I want to love myself. I want to have confidence again. I want to feel like I don’t need to hide myself.  I want to be able to wear whatever I want to wear. I don’t want to freak out because my sweaters that cover my arms when I wear a tank top are dirty.  I don’t want to spend more time cleaning up junk around the house, putting away clothes that are gigantic. I want to feel love for myself so that I can be more active and less bitchy.

It is hard for me to get in and out of the shower because my legs are so fat and swollen. I can barely shave my legs, I have to move my stomach out of the way when I shower.  I want to look in the mirror and love what I see.  I want one chin, not 3, I want arms that are not flabby. I want floors that do not have clothes and junk all over them because I’m too tired and too out of breathe and shape to bend over and pick them up.

I want to be able to swim in my pool without huffing and puffing and feeling as if I’m going to fall climbing up the ladder.  I want to be able to move around without feeling like I giant worthless embarassing fat mess.  I want to be a good role model for my 3 gorgeous girls.  I want to share clothes with them, I do not want them to watch me and participate in the battle of food. The food that is going to kill me.

I went to the Doctor in April and was hoping, actually hoping to hear bad news.  Did you ever hear of something so awful and disgusting?  I wanted to be told that I had high cholesterol, high blood pressure and that I was pre-diabetic.  I wanted to hear bad news so that I would be so scared I would stop medicating myself with food.  Well guess what? I received good news.  My blood work came back perfect. Perfect.  I was disappointed because if it’s perfect do I need to change it?

My ass is huge and not in a good way, my legs are disgusting.  The time has to come to change, to take control of my life and re-priortize what is really important.  Why is the container of ice cream so good and then I spend the rest of the night twisting and turning because I am so full I can’t sleep?

I wound up over eating for dinner tonight and I feel gross, and I know that I will eat the ice cream that is downstairs waiting for me, even though I wrote this blog post.  I will eat it because somehow I am still not ready. The food has such power. I need to find my strength.  This is the first step.  Tomorrow I am going to see a nutritionist.  Today I got on the scale for the first time in months. 227.8 pounds.  227.8 pounds. I am only 5’2″.  I should weigh between 125-137 pounds.  OBESE.  I took pictures of myself this morning. I need to find inspiration. I need to find motivation. I currently do not find other peoples weight loss success stories motivating, I find them discouraging.  Insane right?  I hate to exercise.  I hate to sweat unless it’s lying or sitting in the sun while reading a book and even then I need to cool off.

I need to find the courage and willpower sooner rather than later, or the doctor is going to give me devasting news and truth be told, who really wants to hear news that devastating?